by Lauren O.
**Be advised, content may be triggering**
Domestic violence is a problem society perpetuates with their treatment of women.
“Why didn’t you just leave him?”
“Why stay in an abusive relationship?”
“Why would you put yourself in that situation?”
Society does not deserve the answers to those questions.
They never ask, “Why would you abuse her?”
“What did we do to help her?”
“What did we do to stop him?”
Society blames women for their own abuse. Society blames women for violence done against them.
According to the National Sexual Violence Resource Center (www.Nsvrc.org), one in three women have been victims of domestic violence and in more than half of reported female rapes the victim is intimately related to the assaulter.
Part of the reason domestic abuse is still a large part of our culture today is men are raised with the thought that they will have no repercussions for their violent actions against women. From a young age, women are taught to tolerate violence from men. That it’s just “boys being boys.” According to Elizabeth J. Meyer, from psychologytoday.com, “boys will be boys,” and other such language, gives allowances to boys’ violence from a young age, and this does not change as they age.
Women are sucked into these relationships with charm and sweet talk. The abusers begin with shows of love and passion, but don’t take the time to get to know you. The changes happen slowly, and by the point she realizes that the relationship is not good, she feels in over her head.
My personal experience follows that of the norm. The relationship began with shows of love and affection from him and degraded slowly. He was charming and sweet, helping me and getting to know my family.
Then slowly, he isolated me.
“Oh, I don’t want to have to drive to your house, can’t you just come here after work?”
“Don’t you want to spend time with me instead?”
“He likes you, I don’t want you hanging out with him anymore.”
“She says bad things about me, I don’t want you talking to her anymore.”
Then, nothing I did was right, even if it was.
“Your cooking gave me food poisoning, I was up all night in the bathroom.” When no one else got sick.
“You’re not doing that right, I guess I just have to do everything.” When I was doing it right.
“Just let me handle the money, you’re not good at saving.” When I was the only one who saved.
“Can’t you understand anything? I’ve told you a thousand times!” When I was the reason he graduated college.
And I was complacent. I did let it happen to me. And society taught me to accept his abuse. Because “boys will be boys,” and “he’s hurting you because he likes you.”
I asked myself those questions when the relationship ended. “Why didn’t I leave?” I blamed myself for what he did to me.
I believed that I let him because I never stopped him. But that’s not true. I did nothing wrong. I am the survivor. He was the abuser. I did nothing to deserve the things he did to me. But society taught me that I did.
Society needs an overhaul. Society needs to stop blaming the victims who endure domestic abuse and take a more critical look at the abusers.