by Nicole F.
We see the articles everywhere ‘How to Improve Your Sex Life in 6 Easy Steps’, ‘Tips on How to Spice it Up in the Bedroom’, and other similar titles, but I feel like the most important aspect of good sex is glossed over. Communication. It’s always mentioned, but rarely is it the focus and they also never tell you how to get comfortable communicating with your partner about those things so I wanted to take the time and write about how anyone can improve their sex life just by learning how to better communicate with your partner.
First of all, it’s getting past that initial awkward feeling of talking about sex. For women more than men, it’s hard to express to your partner what you want sexually when you are first starting out. If you’re too open about it, it could paint you in a negative light, but if you say nothing then chances are you won’t enjoy the sex when it happens, so how do you get past that? For me, my favorite method of getting past that awkwardness has been including it in foreplay or making jokes about it that typically lead to a conversation. So say I’m getting hot and heavy with my partner and he’s talking dirty, I can take the opportunity to talk dirty back and tell him what I want. If he says that he wants me to go down on him than I can respond ‘what about me’ in a playful way and go from there. If he seems receptive to it then I can just go for it and ask him for it, but if he doesn’t then I can continue the conversation by asking what about it he doesn’t like.
Men can get insecure just as easily as women can and sometimes they may be reluctant to perform oral or do other things out of a lack of confidence and just by knowing that you can take an opportunity to be understanding and teach him what you want and then go from there. You can develop signals that can be as simple as just a word or phrase or you can just outright tell them what to do and how to please you. Bam! Instant better sex moving forward. The same goes for different positions and trying out different kinks, if you don’t develop a system of communication with your partner then you run the risk of not likely something you normally might have if you would have just been open with your partner.
So let’s look at some other methods of getting comfortable enough to communicate with your partner. Maybe you are too shy or embarrassed to say what you want from your partner, so then write it down. It may seem embarrassing at first, but if your partner wants to have sex with you, then writing them a note of what you want them to do to you and then slipping it under their door can be a great way to open up the conversation and actually try the things you want to try. You could also watch porn you like with your partner. This is something I personally have never done, but maybe if you can’t explain what you want you can show them. You can send them a link to a video and just say ‘I would like to try this sometime’ and then move forward from there. If your partner is worth being with, then they would want to please you. If they just want to do what they want to do and not try anything that you want, then they may just not be someone you should be sleeping with.
Sex is meant to be enjoyed by both men and women and, for both parties to enjoy it, they need to be open and honest with each other, especially about what they like and what they want. There’s an old saying that says ‘if you can’t talk about sex, then you shouldn’t be having it’ and I fully believe that. If you feel like you can’t talk to your partner about what you want in the bedroom (or out of it, I don’t know your life) then maybe they shouldn’t be someone you sleep with.
So don’t be afraid to communicate. If you're comfortable enough to be sleeping with the person than you should always be comfortable enough talking to them about your needs because your needs are just as important as theirs and if they are someone who is worth your time, then they will believe that too. So just give it a shot the next time you want to try something new with your partner, talk to them. You may be surprised about how much better it could make your sex life.