by Serena H.
Anxiety is a monster that comes in many forms. It transforms like a ‘Boggart,’ manifesting as my scariest feelings. Over the years I have learned my own ‘Riddikulus’ charm. Anyone with any range of anxiety knows that it’s not easy to deal with. Learning proper coping is even more challenging. Personally, I consider myself lucky that I have a mild form of anxiety. I have my good days and bad. I have slowly learned to enjoy the good days and to push through the bad days, even when they feel like taking on Mt. Everest sometimes.
It has taken me a long time to identify my triggers. It used to be very situational, especially with public speaking. I would get so nervous and anxious that I would break down into tears and, more often than not, be so nauseous I would get sick. To this day, my hands still shake and I still get queasy. As I have grown older, the triggers for my anxiety have changed. Now I face obstacles like lack of sleep, loud uncontrolled noises and overly stressful situation can trigger my anxiety. They confront me in my everyday life and it’s been a process learning to cope through that, but being able to identify the onset of my anxiety symptoms helps!
Most of the time my anxiety manifests in mild ways. I don’t get severe anxiety attacks often anymore, but when I do they come with tears and a trip to the bathroom because I feel sick to my stomach. I can often breathe through it after taking a minute to collect myself. The most mild attacks include dealing with sensory overload. Afterwards, I feel so exhausted and can't bring myself to eat, and that's after the mild instances. With worse instances, it’s as bad as vomiting and trouble breathing, which isn’t helped by my asthma. I often get so lost in the ‘what if’s’ and the ‘what next?’ that I can’t get a grasp on how to deal with my feelings. I can’t breathe through it and the rational part of my brain is going into overdrive, so I can’t keep up. At that point, I am in a massive panic that brings on the hyperventilating and vomiting.
Finding ways to cope in the moment hasn't always been smooth. With my more mild attacks I've picked up some small simple things that help me get through it. With my sensory overload, I have come to realize that being able to control the sounds I am exposed to helps. This can include using a fidget cube, playing my music loud enough to drown out what's around me, or even moving to somewhere more quiet and often take the opportunity to meditate. If I am in control of the noise, I can come down from that anxiety and move on with my day. Another thing I do to help myself calm down is call my best friend’s mom, who is practically another mom to me. You’d think this would be kind of silly, but honestly there hasn’t been a moment that she hasn't been able to talk me through one of my hysterical, anxious, crying fits. When I get so bad that I am in tears, I know that being alone in my head will make things worse since I’ll just overthink everything. So I call her. She lets me talk out what caused my anxiety and reminds me when I need to take a break and regain my ‘zen,’ as I like to say. When the more extreme attacks happen, I still struggle to find ways to maneuver and deal with those situations. My anxiety is gross and hard to deal with. Coping in those moments is far more challenging, but I'm still determined to keep trying.
Overall, I have come to realize that my anxiety makes me a bit of a mess. I find that having a schedule and getting an appropriate amount of sleep each night helps. Exercising is another great booster when I feel like I’m spiraling. Even if that exercise is something as simple as a 10 minute yoga session, it helps. Meditations are also a lifesaver for me. I often just take 5 or 10 minutes to use a guided meditation app I have. It has session focused solely on dealing with anxiety in a variety of way. They also help when I am not feeling anxious to learn ways to cope and think through the mild anxiety attack.
There isn’t just one cure for anxiety. It is an uphill battle everyday and it's a mental illness that can be treated, but that doesn’t mean it goes away. Even with years of experience, I’m still learning and growing. I’ve taken time to note my triggers, identify the symptoms and begin using coping skills I’ve made progress and I know there’s a long road ahead, but I’m ready to face it.
One day, one attack at a time.