by Nicole F.
First times, popping the cherry, losing it, there are so many different ways to describe losing your virginity, but then there seems to be very few ‘right ways’ to do it if you are a girl. When you are a woman it is expected that you will most likely lose your virginity to a significant other that you are in love with or your husband after you’re married. Everything else is subtly considered the ‘wrong way’ to lose your virginity. You’re considered ‘easy’ and are shamed for it. This stigma is why I want to talk about my first time and what it meant to me as a woman.
First of all, I hate using the phrase ‘I lost my virginity’ you don’t lose anything. You either give it or it is taken from you. Your virginity is not something you can just drop and say ‘oh shit, well I guess I’m not a virgin anymore’. I have always viewed it as a gift, something I have the power to bestow upon someone and that someone had better be honored to be my first time or else they aren’t worthy of the gift.
When I chose to give my virginity I was twenty-one. I’ve always liked to make these little pacts with myself and when I was in high school I decided that I wanted to wait until I graduated to have sex. From what I had observed from my friends who’d already given their virginity, it only complicated things and in high school my life was complicated enough without throwing sex into the mix. Not that I thought people who did have sex in high school were wrong, I just knew that it wasn’t right for me. So I waited. I rejected multiple advances from guys I was dating, no matter how much they pressured me, and stuck to my pact.
Then I graduated.
From there, I just never met anyone I wanted to give my virginity to. I went on dates before I hit my twenties and since I didn’t go to college right out of high school it was a lot harder to meet people and eventually I just gave up. I had other things to focus on. By twenty-one I was getting ready to move out of my dad’s house for the first time, had a full time job, and was juggling multiple other little ventures.
It was towards the end of July and beginning of August when my step-cousin came to stay at my dad’s with some of his friends. They were in town for a convention so I really didn’t see them around very much, but one night I got home right after they had gotten back from the convention and had started talking to everyone. One of the guys was particularly fun to talk to and when everyone else wanted to go to bed he asked if we could keep talking. This was how we ended up in my room.
For hours we just sat on my bed and talked about anything and everything. I felt so comfortable and relaxed and when he put his arm around my shoulders I knew that it was make or break moment. If I didn’t shift his arm off I knew it was going to lead to more and I surprised myself to realize that I was okay with more. I knew just from talking to him that the guy I was with would back off the moment I voiced any sort of discomfort and this, more than anything, made me okay with going further.
We talked for a little more before he kissed me. He reached his hand under my shirt and asked me if it was okay. Just that question made me absolutely sure of my choice and that night I gave him my virginity. A person I had barely met, who would be leaving to go back to another state the next day, that was who I decided to give my virginity to and I still have no regrets. The only thing I may regret a little is at the time, I never told him I was a virgin. I was afraid of him backing off or getting nervous about it, but it was my choice and I wanted it to be then and I wanted it to be him (I did tell him later, don’t worry!).
And I enjoyed it!
For a long time I was afraid that sex would hurt the first time, but what makes it hurt is being nervous and not knowing your body well enough to know when you’re ready (meaning you’re wet enough, come on we’re all adults here). After this I kind of had an epiphany. There is no wrong way to give your virginity, male or female or in between. There is only you and your choice and knowing what’s right for you. For me, I was perfectly happy to give my virginity to a guy in a one night stand that I may never see again, for someone else it could be on their wedding night, and for someone else it could be in the backseat of someone’s car with a dude from a bar.
There is only you and your choice.
In case anyone is wondering if I ever heard from the guy again, I actually did. A year after our first encounter we actually end up dating and we dated for almost two years before it ended. Weirdly enough, it ending has only reaffirmed in my mind that I made the right choice because even though we broke up I’m still happy with my first time and the choice I made years ago.
So for anyone reading this who has yet to give their virginity to someone I want you to keep in mind that if it feels right for you there is absolutely no wrong choice. There is only your choice, no matter what it is and if people want to shame you, fuck them. They are not you and they do not get to decide what you chose to do or not do with your body. So whether you are someone who wants to wait until marriage or someone who just hasn’t felt quite ready yet, just make sure that your first time is your choice.