by Nyjah J.
Disclaimer: I do not now or ever presume to be the voice of an entire group of people nor do I believe that all girls who look like me have similar experiences. This is my story and my experiences.
I’ve always enjoyed love stories. Especially the ones where the girl and the guy lock eyes in some mundane place on a college campus and fall deeply in love, or the girl goes to a party and she’s with her girls and all of a sudden, out of everyone in the crowded room, he sees her. I know these things don’t happen like this mostly because times have changed but, I know girls are still finding love that way on college campuses, where hook up culture prevails. Though I didn’t spend thousand of dollars to find the love of my life, I thought this what you do in college. Freshman year you meet the person of your dreams, get proposed to on graduation day, and live happily ever after.
I failed to realize a few things along the way. Firstly, those love stories I mentioned before are fiction. Rarely do any of the things that happen in those stories happen in real life. Guys at parties are usually too drunk obsessed to notice anything but their vapes. Secondly, I haven't seen a girl that looks like me in any of those stories. This never really occurred to me as mattering or even being a factor in what my love life would be like. I grew up thinking that would be my experience because I had never seen a different one.
After spending a year at my lovely, predominately white institution, I know why. The culture, especially dating culture, is vastly different for a girl like me. In the current climate, dark-skinned girls are not seen as beautiful by not only people of other races but, also people of their own race, which is something I’ve come to learn in the last year. These women and girls are being overlooked as less desirable by people who look just like them however, they are bashed for dating someone that isn’t black despite them being someone who appreciates them. In my experiences, dating guys of other races is much easier. They are far more willing to date and value women of color. However, guys of other races tend to mix up fetishism for respect and make you feel as if you are less human and more a sexual fantasy. Mostly this fetishism comes phrased as a compliment such as: “You’re so exotic”, or “I’ve always wanted to have sex with a black girl” or my all time favorite anything ending in “.......for a black”. They think these things make a girl feel special but really it makes me feel dehumanized and reluctant to get involved with anyone.
These instances are examples that have made me and many girls that look like me loose hope in dating in spaces like this. It makes some of us feel if dating is a chore.